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Jan 30, 2014

confession of a pathetic me


tears drop as I watched the trailer of The Fault in Our Stars movie.  I...I can feel her, Hazel ( heroin of the movie/novel). dia sakit . kanser. She have to wear apa benda tah orang panggil tiub tu, macam alat pernafasan setiap masa. It's so obvious. kalau aku pakai pon mesti rasa malu. kenapa aku cakap aku boleh rasa dia ?  sebab aku pon ada penyakit. my both eyeballs weren't normal like other people. mine were red. sebenarnya bukan penyakit sebab my eyes just red , tak sakit pon dan tak berjangkit. my eyes jadi macam ni since I was 10 year old dan aku hanya sedar selepas seminggu aku balik dari Terengganu. dah macam-macam doktor aku jumpa, doktor pakar, doktor biasa, berubat tradisional etc tapi masih juga tak sembuh. It's hard to live with my eyes red all the time. and you know what it's freaking tiring when you have to answer the same damn question every time you meet new people.
"kenapa mata merah"
"eh tak sakit ke"
"eh pergi lah jumpa doktor"



 very sad

because of those things I have no self-esteem. that's why I hate crowd, school and yes my life. I sometimes hate my life either. People always look down at me like I am a contaminated person without even knowing the true situation. and of course I don't have any boyfriend. whose the stupid person yang nak orang macam aku ni. sobs. pathetic. anyways I'm so thankful because my best friends and some people can accept me the way I am.

aku nak pergi PLKN. but because of this problem I'm not gonna participating the plkn. I just can't bear people looking at me like !@#&^P* and to answer the same questions over and over again.

percayalah , aku risau time aku nak sambung belajar. ya me.

later when that movie has been released I'm gonna watch it. I wanna go watch it badly.

p/s : on Saturday , I'm flying to Amsterdam, Netherland. pray for my safe journey ya ! I'm nervous and scared

xoxo, J

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