Get the burden off my chest

I lost myself in this complicated world.

I miss the person I was;

dream big,

full of life,

go-getter,

adventurous,

risk taker,

I lost myself slowly since 5 years ago, the begin of reality.

Adulthood.

I am still crawling, and learning in this adulthood. I'm scared, I'm emotional, I'm sensitive, I'm scared, Really scared. 

---

I've stopped dreaming for a while now. I feel like none of my dreams ever fulfilled. It makes me sick of dreaming and hoping. 

I don't know what to do right now. 

I don't know how to feel at the moment.

Everything seems so blurry to me. 

Help,

I'm hopeless.

I'm dreamless.

Part of me beg me to stop,

part of me keep on encouraging to move forward.

But, I'm really tired now.

Oh world, 

please be easy on me,

for I don't know,

how long I can still hang on.

---

Architectural Assistant.

How much do you think I got paid monthly?

I want to give up my job as it don't give me the life I deserve. 

I don't work 9-5 doing an architect job but getting paid as a shop keeper. 

I don't work on design and all damn blueprints to getting paid as a receptionist.

Why is the world so cruel?

I spend years in school and I get paid as lower as that, no matter how good I am with my job.

Fuck Malaysian employment system.

Fuck Malaysian wages.

Fuck me as a Malaysian.

Fuck

Fuck

Fuck

Take me back when Malaysia doesn't kill their citizen sanity like today.

02: Contented

Few weeks ago, Tim gave me the most beautiful Christmas gift I ever had. Although the gift was also considered for our 'monthsary' gift. 

It was unexpected.

A poem.

He wrote it beautifully.

It is so pure.

I feel blessed to have him.

When I start to doubt on the existing of love in this modern world,

He came and show me the true meaning of love.

I see love in his blue eyes. The purest one.

I can't stop counting for our days, when all of our dreams and wishes come true. 

Sayang, thank you. I love you.

Love,

J

01 : 2021

It was the best NYE for me, 

looking at the glimpse of excitements on his face under the shower of colorful fireworks,

I was mesmerized,

by his beautiful smile,

again and again.

He is my biggest wishes for this year. 

//

This year NYE is different the previous way. I celebrated with my loved one although it was virtually. Hope to celebrate more NYE with him in the future.

Love,

J