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Jan 30, 2014

confession of a pathetic me

hi

tears drop as I watched the trailer of The Fault in Our Stars movie.  I...I can feel her, Hazel ( heroin of the movie/novel). dia sakit . kanser. She have to wear apa benda tah orang panggil tiub tu, macam alat pernafasan setiap masa. It's so obvious. kalau aku pakai pon mesti rasa malu. kenapa aku cakap aku boleh rasa dia ?  sebab aku pon ada penyakit. my both eyeballs weren't normal like other people. mine were red. sebenarnya bukan penyakit sebab my eyes just red , tak sakit pon dan tak berjangkit. my eyes jadi macam ni since I was 10 year old dan aku hanya sedar selepas seminggu aku balik dari Terengganu. dah macam-macam doktor aku jumpa, doktor pakar, doktor biasa, berubat tradisional etc tapi masih juga tak sembuh. It's hard to live with my eyes red all the time. and you know what it's freaking tiring when you have to answer the same damn question every time you meet new people.
"kenapa mata merah"
"eh tak sakit ke"
"eh pergi lah jumpa doktor"

I HATE THOSE QUESTIONS ...SERIOUSLY

HATE
ANNOYING
PATHETIC
FREAKING SAD

sad
sad
 very sad

because of those things I have no self-esteem. that's why I hate crowd, school and yes my life. I sometimes hate my life either. People always look down at me like I am a contaminated person without even knowing the true situation. and of course I don't have any boyfriend. whose the stupid person yang nak orang macam aku ni. sobs. pathetic. anyways I'm so thankful because my best friends and some people can accept me the way I am.

aku nak pergi PLKN. but because of this problem I'm not gonna participating the plkn. I just can't bear people looking at me like !@#&^P* and to answer the same questions over and over again.

percayalah , aku risau time aku nak sambung belajar. ya Allah.help me.

later when that movie has been released I'm gonna watch it. I wanna go watch it badly.


p/s : on Saturday , I'm flying to Amsterdam, Netherland. pray for my safe journey ya ! I'm nervous and scared


xoxo, J


Jan 29, 2014

Love



bawa aku pergi,
pacu laju-laju,
kita lari dari realiti,

bawa aku pergi,
pacu laju lagi, 
moga kita tak perlu kembali. 


so hi.

I'm just done watching Destinasi Ria. Episode kali ini menampilkan chef Nik dan chef Fikree bercuti di India. aku suka tengok rancangan ni (destinasi ria) sebab setiap minggu dia punya destinasi tu berbeza. When I watched the show ..it's like I was with them... jalan sana sini. rasa happy sangat. tak rasa macam ada dekat rumah padahal aku just menonton dekat tv je. but i swear seriously kalau aku tengok rancangan jenis macam ni , Ya Allah seronoknya memang tak terkata.  may be spirit of wanderlust aku ni tinggi sangat kot.

Travel. Traveller. Travelling. Backpacker.

YE AKU SUKA TRAVEL. harapan aku ialah nak travel around the world tapi masalah duit tak cukup. agak-agak bila lah duit aku nak tinggi menggunung. My opinion kalau travel yang unspecific duration, seorang diri dan berdua tu seronok tapi agak risky lah kan. Kalau travel untuk specific duration, contohnya plan nak pergi suatu tempat untuk 3 hari, bergi ramai-ramai pon aku tak da masalah.

But I prefer travel untuk unspecific duration. Kalau boleh nak pergi seorang tapi kalau dah kahwin pergi berdua dengan suami (ehem. bukan honeymoon! ) lagi best. lagi-lagi kalau dapat husband yang share common interests ! travel yang aku inginkan bukanlah holiday yang menginap di hotel mewah, dinner dekat restoran mahal, shopping dekat mall negara lain etc. apa yang aku nak macam kais pagi makan pagi. travel setakat yang aku mampu. contohnya bawa backpack yg besar tu, tidur dekat cheap motel (asalkan ada tempat tidur), makan asal kenyang dan pakaian asal bersih dan selesa.live authentic baby. lepas tu melawat tempat-tempat bersejarah . dammit. balik-balik cerita pasal sejarah. (maaf kalau bosan..boleh tutup..kalau boleh jangan la bosannn ).

 ye aku suka sejarah dan old buildings so much. so much. so much. old buildings biasanya berlumut, kotor, dinding pecah-pecah. tapi bagi aku the more ugly a building the prettier its soul. i just don't know why i fond of this kind of interest. sometimes, I think I'm weird and not normal and that's not ok and I hate it. Hate it. I hate it because aku mungkin tak dapat nak cari partner travel yang suka benda yang sama macam aku suka. if dapat future spouse yg suka benda macam ni Alhamdulillah . kalau tak dapat, tak pa. dia boleh duduk rumah sementara aku cari partner yang lain. (partner time travel je ok).

* * *

Aku dah deactivated akaun twitter aku. aku rasa aku pernah cakap yang aku tak suka sangat dengan social website. kalau boleh aku nak ada Blog je sebab aku suka membebel dan write out my thoughts. Facebook, Instagram etc tu bagi aku tak perlu. bagi aku bila people too exposed to social they eventually lost their identity. Hypocrite. aha that's the term (no offenses eh. ni bukan pointing finger dekat sesiapa). Nowadays masing-masing nak jadi popular famous up-to-date guy bla bla bla. come on , jujur je lah korang pon sometimes mesti ada rasa nak jadi famous jugak kan. nak follower ramai beratus beribu berpuluh ribu nak ada sponsorship. zaman sekarang ni asal famous je mesti orang yg lepak kat Starbucks shopping kat H&M pakai iphone pakai boot Dr Martens senang cerita semua nak yang mahal yang branded.


aku nak delete Facebook tapi connection dengan family ramai kat situ so anggaplah itu tempat pertemuan keluarga. so I'm not gonna delete it buat masa sekarang ni.
 Twitter . aku rasa mcm takda function je. bagi aku tak de point pon tweet pasal perasaan aku yg takda orang baca pon kot dan fangirling melampau macam pfff. malas aku nak ambil tahu pasal One Direction dah. bosan.
Instagram biar lah aku simpan dulu buat masa ni.


ok bye.

mood: masih dalam proses packing barang

p/s : Insya Allah my first plane journey ever is on this Saturday. Gonna transit at Dubai for a couple of hours. I'm nervous and scared. Pray for me.



xoxo, J









Jan 27, 2014

one of the most things women scared of

hi

sebenarnya aku  log-in blogger malam ni nak post pasal lain. tapi tadi lepas je log masuk, ada satu tajuk post ni menarik perhatian aku. post tu adalah dari salah satu blog yang aku follow. nak dekat 5 tahun juga aku follow blog tu , cuma aku je jarang baca. tapi dari dulu aku memang suka tengok header blog dia. aku follow blog tu since tuan blog masih belum kahwin dan sekarang tuan blog dah kahwin dah dan dah ada anak. aku terkejut juga.  nampak sangat aku dah lama tak ber 'blog walking'. straight to the point , post tu adalah tentang pregnancy.

you know what, beberapa tahun lepas aku ada baca satu artikel / teks tentang wanita mengandung. ya memang tak dinafikan setiap wanita akan risau saat anaknya lahir sama ada anak mereka itu cukup sifat (sempurna) atau sebaliknya. termasuk juga aku. aku akan membesar menjadi seorang wanita kelak. dan apa yang aku risau adalah aku ni boleh mengandung atau tidak. aku pernah terfikir mampukah aku ni memberi zuriat kepada my future spouse (cehh ayat..fikir jauh sangat aku ni). sampai hari ni aku masih risau pasal benda-benda tu. kalau aku tak mampu mengandung, aku harap aku mampu mengawal diri aku jika aku ditinggalkan kelak. aku sememangnya tak nak bermadu. ya Allah mohon dijauhkan...

kalau tak silap aku wanita/perempuan lebih mudah menghidap penyakit barah. barah payudara, barah otak, kanser serviks etc.  Ya Allah Ya Tuhan. setiap hari aku fikirkan pasal ni.  orang kata itu penyakit keturunan tapi itu kata orang. tak semestinya betul. Alhamdulillah setakat yg aku tahu kaum kerabat terdekat aku tak ada yang menghidap penyakit sedemikian. tapi aku sebagai wanita, aku percaya ia tak mustahil untuk berlaku dekat sesiapa je. Ya Allah..

dulu aku ada terfikir nanti bila aku dah habis sekolah menengah , aku nak buat pergi jumpa doctor seorang diri. aku cuma nak check , adakah aku ni sihat dan normal atau vice versa.  tapi aku takut..
dan sekarang aku oficially dah habis sekolah.. mungkin dah sampai masa aku plan apa yg patut.


ok bye.


p/s : dear my future spouse, whoever you are , i hope you can accept me the way I am even though if I can't fulfill your every dream. I love you.



xoxo, J

what's troubling me so much?

Spm result
the europe tour
my future
missin' you
head can't stop thinking of you every second every single time of my life
you
you
you
you

full stop.

bye. xoxo

Jan 26, 2014

shopping

hi !

tajuk hari ni adalah shopping ! a typical girl's passion indeed.

honestly, aku jarang shopping sebab a) aku masih seorang pelajar dan obviously still beg my parents for money. b) aku masih tinggal dengan parents.

i guess everyone understand  reason a).

kenapa aku bagi reason b), masih tinggal dengan parents?

sebab aku lebih suka barang-barang keperluan rumah especially cooking appliances dan apa-apa yang berkenaan dengan barang dapur. trust me I don't own nafsu yang tinggi untuk stuffs such as clothes, shoes etc. aku pon tak tahu kenapa aku macam ni. kadang-kadang nak juga jadi macam teenage girls yang lain ( pandai dress up , selalu pergi shopping, pandai make up. aku ni cream muka pon tak reti pakai apatah lagi make up. nenek aku selalu kata aku ni tak pandai bergaya. sobs sobs). mungkin sebab aku rasa beli barang-barang macam tu membazir kot. aku pon malas nak tulis banyak pasal ni so lets proceed  kepada barang yang aku suka.

kalau pergi mall , mata aku selalu tertarik dekat store yang jual barang-barang rumah including baby store (mostly benda yang aku suka dekat store jenis ni ialah strollers).

aku selalu berharap ada rumah sendiri secepat mungkin selepas aku tamat belajar. sebab aku nak beli barang-barang rumah banyak-banyak. wahh bestnya !   benda yang paling aku nak ialah pan // periuk yang colorful. spoons//forks yang shining.


nanti aku update lagi lah . tiba-tiba takda idea.


p/s : my heart cannot stop missing someone. slap me please

Jan 11, 2014

Europe tour

hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

so today i'm gonna share something.




I'M GOING TO EUROPE IN FEBRUARYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. probably on Feb, 1st. I've received the flight tickets through e-mail and I should have been printed them out. But sigh, my printer's out of inks. (I'm going to cyber cafe later)

to be honest I never thought of going to Europe at this very early age. well 18 is still young I guess. ( I hate that the fact I'm 18 because basically I just celebrated my 17th birthday like 2 months ago and because it's 2014 already and automatically my age become 18. That's not ok. )

I still remember I used to write my school essays about something that related to travel and even in Spm I still write about travelling. Travelling is fun though. You can explore and discover a lot of new things beside learn about other people's culture and etc. My opinion, there's no point of writing essays about heart broken or being left by love or kind of sad story or being cheated. Like seriously you've much more interesting story to write, haven't you? Flooding your essays book with emotions of your sad love story is just so a pathetic shit. I hate this sort of people. THEY ABSOLUTELY SHOULD STOP LOOKING FOR LOVE IN PEOPLE'S SYMPATHIES. oh crap ! I shouldn't have been wasting my time writing about this shit.

If I'm not mistaken I've had told you guys that I want to travel the world when I'm 25 years old. Because at the age of 25, I probably have enough pocket money. I never thought of marrying rich people because they got money to support me to fulfil my dream when I still can work my ass to earn pennies by myself. I just don't like to rely on people because at the end of the day we wont sure whether we got them (the rich guy). If you want something just pray to your God and start working yourself to achieve your dreams.

got to go now. I should have taking shower because today's a bestie' day out.

xoxo, J





Jan 4, 2014

Dream high baby

hi

so today I would like to write about my dreams or things that I want in this life. Before that, this is yesterday's summary, everything went well like any other Friday ( I could tell you every Friday, mom and I will  go to TESCO to buy groceries or just to have lunch at food court) but my cat, Ucen, he was stuck at a high place.

I'm going to tell you my dreams by listing them okay

THINGS I WANT // DREAM

1. Land. 1 acre at least. I want to build my own dream home.
2. Perfect house. every people have their own dream houses right? to me a house that perfect is when everything that you want is inside. well I may be don't afford to build a bungalow but it's not a big deal as long I have everything perfect in my house and a yard, it's enough. My small house must contains a big living room so I could locate few shelves and a big arm chair, no dining room, two rooms : a room for me and a room for my parents if they come visit, no master bedroom because I don't need it as it's my house so I could sleep at every place, a kitchen full of cooking stuff because I love them( cooking stuff), a bathroom and a room for my cats.

to be continue...


sorry. my head's spinning.

p/s : I NEED A HAIR CLIP. MY FRONT HAIR KEEP DISTURBING ME !!!!!! How can i forgot to buy it yesterday.................... sigh



xoxo
J

Jan 3, 2014

no one should know

hi


remember only God can judge ya,
forget the haters 'cause somebody loves ya--
so la da di da di
we like to party--
doing what ever we want
this is our house
this is our rules


-Miley Cyrus- We can't stop-

one of my favourite song. I love to listen and sing this song so much and yeah I love miley too. she's so perf . she still young but she has everything.



Jan 2, 2014

them

hi !

so sekarang pukul 12.15 a.m. aku masih di depan laptop stalking and investigating people and the world while group chatting via wechat. sementara tu si Oren tidur belakang laptop, si Cak tidur bawah kerusi, Si Tim tak dapat dikesan dan Si Ucen aka Uten tidur dekat loteng agaknya.

Si Ucen kena buli lagi sampai kaki bengkak dan berdarah..

Emy hantar cat emoticon dkat wechat dan time tu si Oren(my baby kitten) tengah main-main kat sebelah aku. Lepas tu dia pandang je aku punya screen tab. aku pon pandang dia..dia naik atas tab.aku pandang.then dia tepuk-tepuk screen tu macam nak tarik gambar kucing dalam tu. tapi tak dapat. dia pandang lagi. tepuk-tepuk lagi and he eventually surrender.

* * *

so demam, selsema dan batuk dah berkurang . Alhamdulillah.
aku tak tahu la sama ada aku allergic pada brownies or what. 3 hari lepas aku makan walnut brownies. malam tu aku demam. tapi sebelum tu aku tengah selsema tapi takda lah teruk sangat. last time aku makan brownie yg sama kalau tak silap, pon aku dapat demam lepas tu. lebih kurang seminggu jugak aku demam sebab time tu aku makan banyak sebab beli yg whole so aku ni yg memang tersangat sukakan coklat makanlah dengan banyak sekali. tapi sebenarnya brownies tak sedap pon, seriously......





p/s: Days 24 - still searching for my armpit hair clipper. sigh.


xoxo,
J





Jan 1, 2014

love

Assalamualaikum . hi !

today is January,1st  2014.. IT'S A BRAND NEW YEAR EVERYONEEEEEEEEEE.

HAPPY 2014 Y'ALLS.

my new year wish/hope? no.. I don't have any because I always fail to work my ass for a wish. so there's no brand new me brand new you brand new us or whatsoever.

* * *

Dec, 30 2013.

was celebrating Emy's birthday with all my best friends. I didn't expecting Mirol to join us due to a reason but he did came at last. geram betul aku dengan Mirol. dah  2 tahun tak jumpa since he went to a boarding school. bila dapat jumpa dapat lah aku melepaskan rindu dan marah yg dah lama terpendam dalam lubuk hati aku ni. cehh ayat...seriously, rasa macam takda beza pon dan tak janggal langsung.biasanya kalau ber best friend dengan orang yg lain jantina bila dah lama tak jumpa mestila rasa janggal or segan . kan?  cakap pon 'cover-cover'. but not us.  the six of us still can make joke of each other ! 4 jam kitorang bersembang non-stop sebab dah lama tak jumpa.kitorang sempat juga bincang pasal kahwin bagai, mentang-mentang dah habis sekolah . aku tersangat happy sebab boleh berkumpul semula dengan diorang.

I'm so grateful to have them in my life. I love you besties...hope our friendship will long-lasting until Jannah.

lots of love,
J